"The Prostitution Of St. Jezabel"
"Carmen, Carmen, staying up 'til morning, Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean," Carmen, Lana Del Rey
"Dear Book, this is another day in the life. A life is like a book, a book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside. So, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside out? Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a beautiful box and everybody loved her."
-From the Diary of Gia Marie Carangi, (1963-1986)
Am I still beautiful? Am I that princess in your fairytale books? Do I still care? They say, "come here model, look at me. Do this. Do that. Pose. Look at that body. Let me touch you. Let me ravish you. I can make you. Why are you weeping? Get the fuck over yourself. You're perfect. For every dollar made, someone has to pay. You make thousands for doing nothing, and now you're crying? Now you're hurt? Fuck off. Just pose."
I go see, I go see. Nobody sees me. “Ah piece of meat, come here. Show me your bag,” and they stick their finger in you. “I just want to taste your temperature.”
Go see, go see, go see somebody else. I ain't no good at this. I ain't no good at this at all, but even if you are good at it, what exactly are you good at?
I'm a model, but I'm a person first. And I know, it's over, I am no longer beautiful because I don't want to be.
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a girl whose hair was made of gold. The people in the village saw her.
They said, ‘‘oh, how beautiful she is...’’
She went to live in a beautiful house, and all the people loved her, and she was very very happy. But the people in the village were very poor, and every night they crept into the house where the girl slept, and they cut off a piece of her golden hair, and they sold it for money.
“She'll never even notice,” they said. And soon, all the gold was gone from her head...
And the people said, “oh she's not beautiful at all,” and they took her from the beautiful house and they drove her into the street, she went away, and she never came back. Soon, people became hungry again and they went back into the beautiful house looking for gold, but there was no one there.Gia Marie Carangi, (1963-1986)
"Here you are. You have arrived. You are here. This is your moment.”
What you have? You have pain. When you have everything, what you have? You have nothing. When everything is right everything is wrong. It's disappointing. It's confusing. What can you do?
Life will be there later. When you have worked, when you have lived, when you know who you are, life is easy. Work. It's the only answer I know. Work now. You can live later. And when you want to stop, to think...
"Yes, but not now, darling.”
You'll have plenty of time to rest when you're in the ground. You have the whole world at your fingertips. You have to be strong, seize the moment because if you don't, there's always another girl waiting right behind you, breathing over your shoulder.
And I know... the great thing about the afterlife is nobody cares how you look.
"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above."
Gia Carangi, on her deathbed in 1986
Then, drugs come into the picture. The only thing you have to remember is that it's not about you. It's not about you. It's not you that they're looking at.
I understand that, because if you let it be about you, then you're screwed, so you have to stay separate from what's happening, and you have to be somewhere else. But I don't know where that somewhere else is. Or how to do that. What is it I want? What do I want?
I could have my own children. I would give them yellow roses, and if they got too loud, I would just put them someplace safe and quiet. I would put them in the clouds, and I would kiss them every day, and tell them you don't have to be anybody, because I would know that being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway.
"Dear book. Last page. Last shot. Seeing you to say hello and goodbye. Seeing you to fill up all the empty, smell and touch and leave all the empty kisses all over your face...”
[Lana Del Rey, Carmen]
Darlin', darlin', doesn't have a problem
Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top-shelf
It's alarming, honestly, how charming she can be
Fooling everyone, telling 'em she's having fun
She says, "You don't want to be like me"
Don't wanna see all the things I've seen
I'm dying, I'm dying"
She says, "You don't want to get this way
Famous and dumb at an early age
Lying, I'm lying"
The boys, the girls
They all like Carmen
She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes
She laughs like God
Her mind's like a diamond
Audiotune lies
She's still shining
Like lightning, whoa-whoa
White lightning
Carmen, Carmen, staying up 'til morning
Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean
It's alarming, truly, how disarming you can be
Eating soft ice cream, Coney Island queen
She says, "You don't want to be like me
Looking for fun, get me high for free
I'm dying, I'm dying"
She says, "You don't want to get this way
Streetwalk at night, and a star by day
It's tiring, tiring"
Baby's all dressed up with nowhere to go
That's the little story of the girl you know
Relying on the kindness of strangers
Tyin' cherry knots, smilin', doin' party favors
Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on
Sing your song, song, now the camera's on
And you're alive again
Mon amour, je sais que tu m'aimes aussi
Tu as besoin de moi
Tu as besoin de moi dans ta vie
Tu ne peux vivre sans moi
Et je mourrais sans toi
Je tuerais pour toi
Darlin', darlin', doesn't have a problem
Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top-shelf
With Love,
Baby Groupie
Blogger Note:
Based off Deviant Art post by Ruptured Faith, October 4th, 2004 & the personal kept diary of supermodel Gia Marie Carangi
https://www.deviantart.com/rupturedfaith/journal/Gia-Marie-Carangi-1960-1981-243361525
https://www.1stdibs.com/furniture/wall-decorations/photography/gia-carangi-nude-bathtime-photo-dennis-piel-new-york-magazine-1980/id-f_8914853/
https://www.artsy.net/artwork/arthur-elgort-gia-fire-island-new-york-1